494 I Will Forever Be Esther Ivanov
When Theron woke up that morning, the day felt particularly lovely and refreshing despite the exhausting night prior. With his eyes still closed and a content smile lingering on his lips, his hands moved about in the space next to him, wanting to pull that soft body against his, but found it was empty.
He was momentarily blinded when he opened his eyes. His curtains were drawn open, and bright sunlight filled his chamber, yet all those details paled before the sweet scent left on his sheets.
‘Did she already leave? Must be shy with how crazy we were all night.’ The pleased smile on his lips widened as he looked at the ceiling. ‘This is the most peaceful sleep I had after so long.’
He once again looked at the window and realized it was already quite late in the morning, as the sun was high in the sky. ‘Esther must have already returned to her palace, starting her duties as Queen, yet here I am still lazing in bed. Such a responsible Queen this kingdom has.’
He stepped out of the bed and put on the sleeping robe tossed on the floor to cover his naked body, feeling excited to see his wife.
‘Will she shyly blush when she sees me?’ He grinned like a silly boy. ‘Feels like the old days are back. Oh, how much I missed her.’
Just as he tightened the knot on his robe, his gaze noticed a shiny object placed on the wooden table beside his bed. He recognised that shiny object—it was a jade hairpin that belonged to Esther.
‘Did she leave it behind?’
Theron walked towards the table and was about to pick it up but then noticed there was a sheet of paper placed under it. There was something written on that piece of paper.
Along with the hairpin, Theron picked up the paper which had delicate handwriting familiar to him.
It was a letter written by Esther.
[Theron, my dear husband,
[When you find this letter, I am probably long gone from your side. These words I have no courage to tell you face to face, so all I can do is pen them down and hope that by the end of my letter, even if you grow to hate me, you will understand that I made this decision for you and our family.]
Theron’s mind turned anxious after reading the first lines.
‘What does she mean by ‘long gone’. Why would I hate her? Impossible!’
With his hand shivering while holding that letter, he continued to read.
[Perhaps I should start by saying that I am a sinner of my kind. My people think I am wise, but all my life I have made many mistakes, and though I do not regret making them, they are sins against the world for they were attempts of defying fate itself.
[My kind, you can think of us as one of the precious children of the world. The world has blessed us with powers, and thus, we bear responsibilities equal to the magic we wield. We don’t hold liberties over our lives, and are unable to live as freely as ordinary humans, doing whatever we wish. The more powerful a being is, the stronger the shackle of fate put on them by the world. If we break the rules, we shall be ready to accept the punishment.
[My first sin was to fall for one who I am not permitted to have. As a punishment, I ended up being his soulmate who was destined to never be with him. I was angry and hurt that my own life was determined for me regardless of my will. I didn’t wish to give into my destiny. Thinking I could escape those shackles, I wished to create my own. That was when I came across you. But my destiny followed me and together, we paid the price of my first sin.
[That was my second sin—to fall for you and drag you into matters way beyond what a human should experience. I should not have expected that I could live the life of an ordinary human with you. It was but a delusion, and as punishment for that sin, I brought suffering not only to you and your family but to the entire kingdom as well.
[My third sin was breaking my promise to you. For someone of my status, our words are akin to the laws of the world itself. My words and promises bind not only my magic but my soul and the laws of causality. To put it simply, the moment we give our words to someone, we have to follow them even at the cost of our lives. This is the price we pay for holding the strongest of powers, and I, being the Monarch of the White Witches, am compelled to follow the rule that binds my very existence.
[Do you remember, my love? I once told you that if I were to ever hurt you again, I don’t deserve to be with you. Those weren’t empty words, but a vow, and here I am…It’s time for me to accept the consequences of those words. I never thought the day will come when I will be hurting you once again.
[No matter the reason, I broke the promise I made to you. Years back, that day in the temple, you asked me to wait for me. You asked me repeatedly and I promised you that I will wait for you but….but I went against it. I broke the promise and didn’t wait for you even knowing it would hurt you.
[Even before I met you, I had broken the sacred rule of my kind, and as a punishment, I had to abandon my entire kind and the people dear to me. As the price for my mistake, I left my home and came to wander the continent, thinking that I’d be living as a vagrant and a hermit for the rest of my immortal life.
[And once again, I have to abandon the ones precious to me—you and our family. If I don’t do it, you will face a terrible future, one as terrible as the Devil’s curse. I don’t want you and Dray to suffer because of my sins.
[That is why I must leave, Theron. I know you will hate me for keeping this a secret from you, and I will accept it all. Your disappointment, your anger, your hatred, I will accept them all. But do know that you are not at fault. I was a selfish woman who gave you nothing but pain again and again.
“Be angry with me. Don’t forgive me. I am your wife, yet I kept you ignorant of the burden I carry. If I were in your place, I would hate myself too. It was a selfish decision but I do not regret it because this was the best thing I could do for you and Dray—to let you remain ignorant. Just know that, I have and I will always love you. I only want your happiness, even if I keep on hurting you. I sincerely want you to be happy.]
‘No…no, no, no!’
Theron’s entire body was shivering in panic and frustration and deep grief that was trying to pull all his senses under. The jade pin in his hand had long fallen on the floor, and he was barely capable of holding onto that thin piece of paper that held what seemed to be his wife’s dying will.
He wanted to deny it. He wanted to roar in anger that this was unfair, but it was as if all energy fled his body with just the thought of her leaving him.
‘Do I have to lose her again?’
He found himself letting out a brittle laugh. They were together just last night, and he thought…he thought they were about to restart their lives. That they would make up for the years they missed. Last night was one of the happiest and best moments he had with her… but these lovely memories were now tainted by her farewell, giving him agony far worse than he ever experienced.
‘Maybe this is a nightmare? Maybe if I just open my eyes, I will wake up with her in my bed…maybe…you can’t do this to me, Esther!’
Tears welled up in his eyes as he wanted to tear that piece of paper apart. He wanted to deny reality and burn it.
He truly wanted to burn it…
[My love, even though we won’t ever see each other again, know that my heart will always watch over you and Dray. Please continue to live your life without me. It will be hard, but I believe time will heal this pain. I believe in your strength. I believe in you.
[Thank you for everything that you have given to me, for being a wonderful husband and father, for always being kind and loving to me. I wish I could give you more, but I can only apologize for giving you pain and leaving you like this. I wish..I wish I could stay..But I am sorry…If I could end this immortal life of mine, I would have prayed for me to be reborn human, for us to meet in the next lifetime and love each other the same.
[My true name is Evanthe, a name I have long thrown away. I hope you will remember me by the name your family has given me, and the name I chose for myself.]
[I am Esther Ivanov, and I will forever be your Esther.]