The Empress’s Gigolo

Ren Baqian hesitated for some time after looking at the fork-horned cow that the bodyguard had brought over. Ultimately, he didn’t have the courage to get on it.

“Get me a carriage!”

Eventually, they brought him a spacious four-wheeled carriage before setting off majestically from the palace to the clinic.

Ren Baqian sat restlessly in the carriage. After a long and bumpy ride, they arrived somewhere near the clinic, but the bodyguard in front suddenly stopped in his tracks.

“Give way! Please stop staring, Principal Ren’s driver. Give way!”

“What’s going on?” Ren Baqian lifted open the curtains and asked.

“Sir Tong and Sir Qin’s personal bodyguards are here at the entrance of the clinic!”

“Oh?” Ren Baqian didn’t expect Tong Zhenye and Qin Chuan to actually be at the clinic.

Fortunately, the carriage managed to continue forward shortly after. Ren Baqian looked out to the sides and saw a handful of burly chaps staring with glaring eyes while radiating murderous auras all over.

It was obvious that these murderous auras weren’t focused on him. Instead, they were targeting the people on the other side of the carriage.

The heads of their households weren’t on good terms, so naturally, their respective bodyguards also made every effort to kill the other party with their gaze.

Ignore them—there were more urgent matters to attend to.

The carriage stopped again after moving forward for a bit. Then, Ren Baqian carefully got off and tried his best to spread his legs open before limping into the clinic.

“Sir, which doctor do you wish to consult?” Shi Hu asked.

Ren Baqian stood there in contemplation. How would he know which doctor to consult? He didn’t even know whether they could treat this ailment. How should he properly express the question that he wanted to ask in a way that the other party could understand, but without invoking too great of a response at the same time?

Ren Baqian then heard Qin Chuan’s crazy laughter from the courtyard beside them.

“Ignorant old man, let us see you take a few steps if you think you’re alright!”

“Of course I’m alright!” Tong Zhenye groaned.

“That stride of yours resembled that of the ladies in Great Xia! Minister Tong of the Ministry of Works. Hahaha!” Qin Chuan suddenly burst out laughing.

“Humph. If you’re alright, why don’t you show us how you walk?” Tong Zhenye immediately rebutted.

“Of course I’m alright!”

“Take a few steps! You aren’t afraid, are you?”

“Walk it shall be. Why would I be afraid of this ignorant man!”

Following this, Tong Zhenye howled with laughter and roared, “Ignorant old man! You even wet your pants, yet you say you’re alright? Hahaha, Minister Qin from the Ministry of War is actually bleeding?”

“I have only been hit by one arrow!” Qin Chuan groaned.

“One arrow in the butt?” Tong Zhenye’s burst of laughter could even be heard from outside the courtyard.

“Ptui! Are you any better off? If you’re unconvinced, let’s have a contest!” Qin Chuan responded in fury.

“In that state of yours, what can you compete in?” Tong Zhenye continued to burst out in laughter.

“Let’s run from here to the city gate and back! Are you up for it?”

Tong Zhenye was speechless. He pondered for a bit and asked, “Why should I compete with an ignorant man who has blood all over his pants? I’m ashamed to be associated with you.”

Qin Chuan immediately flew into a rage.

After that, Ren Baqian could hear the sounds of fighting from the next courtyard.

Ren Baqian’s eyes brightened and became full of expression. The conversation between the two men had sparked a possibility… Could it be that those two old men both had an outbreak of hemorrhoids at the same time?

He rushed toward a bodyguard and gestured by waving before slowly and quietly walking over to the gate of the courtyard to take a look. Even though those two men were hurling kicks and punches at each other, their movements were very strange. It was evident that they didn’t dare to use too much force or even use techniques that involved too much movement. They grimaced whenever they moved too much.

Ren Baqian had an even stronger feeling that there was a high possibility of it. Simply by watching their movements, he was able to imagine the kind of pain both of them were enduring. It was a very familiar feeling.

“Cut it out!”

There was a house within the courtyard. An elder with white hair and a white beard opened the door, glowering at the two of them.

“You guys better stay there and be well behaved!”

This elder didn’t seem to care much about the status of those two men. There weren’t many in the imperial court who were ranked higher than the pair of them.

Seemingly obedient, Tong Zhenye and Qin Chuan immediately stood still and looked at each other helplessly.

“Principal Ren, you have already been watching for some time. What are you here for?” Ren Baqian suddenly heard Qin Chuan’s voice, which sounded like it harbored evil designs.

“Haha, I’m just strolling around aimlessly!” Ren Baqian laughed and walked into sight.

Qin Chuan and Tong Zhenye’s eyes were immediately affixed to Ren Baqian’s movements.

“It’s been quite a while since I have visited this clinic. The air here is pretty fresh.” Ren Baqian laughed. He turned around and planned to leave because he was afraid that those two bastards would find out what was wrong with him.

Knowing which courtyard it was, things would be much easier now.

He simply had to come back at a later time.

“Since you’re already here, just wait quietly. I have no plans to treat the same condition repeatedly.” The elder from the courtyard extended his head, glanced at Ren Baqian, and told this to him unenthusiastically after seeing what his gait looked like.

“I’m really fine!” Ren Baqian turned around and smiled. “It’s a misunderstanding!”

“Then don’t look for me later because I’m going out to collect some herbs,” the elder immediately responded.

Ren Baqian pondered for a moment over whether getting himself treated was more important than his face… Whatever the case was, he still felt that his face was more important. However, he simply couldn’t make the move and leave…

Looking at the elder’s attitude toward Tong Zhenye and Qin Chuan as well as the reaction of the two officials, Ren Baqian believed that the elder would really do what he said and wouldn’t bother to see him later on.

Ren Baqian then became part of the situation. With the two officials in the courtyard and Ren Baqian at the doorway, the three men began looking at each other helplessly.

“I didn’t expect to see both of you here at the same time.” Ren Baqian laughed in an attempt to dissolve the awkwardness of the situation.

“I didn’t expect to see you here as well, Sir Ren.” Qin Chuan looked at Ren Baqian and let out a mischievous laugh with his eyes glaring like bronze bells. Qin Chuan still remembered what had happened previously when Ren Baqian brought out that thing that made him feel like he was in seventh heaven for quite some time.

“It seems like Principal Ren and I have always been brought together by fate. Let’s go to House Yunyan tonight for drinks.” Tong Zhenye immediately tried to rope in a comrade.

“I’ve already reserved all of House Yunyan tonight. I suggest that you can probably come and finish the leftovers after I’m done!” Qin Chuan turned his head around and sneered.

“Ignorant old man, your butt is still bleeding. Are you thinking of staining House Yunyan with your blood? From today on and for an entire year, I’m afraid that all the brothels in Lan City will be circulating the deeds of the Minister of War.” Like a blade, Tong Zhenye’s eyes were affixed to Qin Chuan’s crotch the whole time.

“It’s merely a small arrow wound!” Qin Chuan appeared undisturbed by what Tong Zhenye had just said.

“I’m not sure which expert managed to burst your butt open in one shot. I should actually treat him to a drink.” Tong Zhenye ridiculed him in response.

“Why don’t you take a few steps and show us if you’re alright?” Qin Chuan’s words didn’t spare him either.

Ren Baqian sighed as he watched the duo bicker, feeling that he was unlucky to have contracted this ailment and also to have bumped into these two fellows here.

After two cups of tea, the door of that house opened once again, only to reveal Shi Qing walking out while looking fresh and happy.

“I see that the three of you Sirs are here. I’ll take my leave first.” Shi Qing glanced at them with a strange look, cupped his fists, and walked away with a lofty gait.

“Come in, the three of you.” That elder extended his head and called out for them to come in.

He first stretched out his arm and pressed on their shoulders before smacking their butts. Upon seeing their eyebrows twitch, he knew immediately that his assumptions just now were right.

“Take off your clothes,” the elder ordered.

“Huh?” Ren Baqian looked at the two old fellows. Even though he had been to public bathhouses many times, how could he show his face if news got out that he had been naked in the same room as these two?

“You guys get in there.” The elder pointed to the back of the house. Ren Baqian then realized that there were actually partitions separated by cloth.

The three of them each found a place before they started ruffling and removing their clothes.

The elder called out from the outside, “Zhong Qing, bring me three basins of ice water.”

He then extended his head, saw that they had stripped naked, and said, “Do a handstand with your arms on the ground.”

At present, Ren Baqian had allowed himself to get trampled in the past. While doing a handstand with his arms on the ground, he felt apprehensive about whether or not this elder was reliable.

Not long after, someone came into the room.

Then, with a splash, a basin of ice water was poured over Ren Baqian, and his entire body quivered immediately.

It was indeed ice water. He could feel the ice shards hitting against his body.

It definitely felt like it was below ten degrees Celsius.

Immediately, he let out an odd yelp, flipped his body around, and landed on the ground.

After that, his mind became all tensed up.

Ren Baqian subsequently realized that the pain he had anticipated didn’t come. There was just a light soreness that wasn’t much of a hindrance.

He stretched his arm to his back and touched… It had surprisingly disappeared? Was it alright already?

It had shrunk back in after being excited by the ice water just now…

Moments later, all three of them cupped their fists in gratitude, looking completely happy and refreshed.

Before Ren Baqian left the house, he glanced over at the floor and saw that there were four empty basins…

After leaving the courtyard, Tong Zhenye waved at Ren Baqian while looking refreshed and said, “Sir Ren, seeing how pitiful that ignorant old man was, I won’t fight with him today. Let’s go to House Yunyan tomorrow—it’s my treat.”

“Hmph!” In great spirits, Qin Chuan walked past Tong Zhenye, called out to his attendant, and left on his mount. The others could still hear him howling with laughter from far away.

Ren Baqian and Tong Zhenye both gave each other a “take-care-of-yourself” glance before parting ways and heading back to the palace and the Tong residence, respectively.