My Pick Up Artist System

Sitting on his lavatorial ruler's chair, Ben made mysterious finger-poking motions into the air.

*Fwoo* *Fwoo*

He was practicing the Squirtle Hydro Pump. The skill book had sent the technique's information into his mind.

"I know kung fu…"

He visualized the opponent's vagina during a round of shadow finger-boxing…

The sink's running tap water masked the sounds of his secret technique. Ben turned it on because he was in the bathroom too long and feared Fariq would become suspicious…

However, Fariq didn't have any misgivings because he always gave people the benefit of the doubt. 'Ben's having a wank...'

Ben's trickery fooled prying ears. 'All right, the skill seems good. I'll wait to see the effects when I try it on a woman. For now, let's focus on getting more loot.' He opened the store, still with enough points for 3 more Mid Level Mystery Boxes.

[Mid Level Mystery Box: 1000 points - Contains a random item anywhere from common to epic grade]

He purchased another. 'If I can get another good thing like the Squirtle Hydro Pump, I believe I'll definitely survive!'

A few seconds later, Ben was glancing down at his prize.

[Black Bunny Onesie(Item, Common) x1 - A onesie for someone who wants to live as a black rabbit.]

…

'F*ck! What is this? Onesie? Isn't this for babies?' It was a full-body one-piece black sweater and pants with giant black bunny ears on the hood. There was also a poof tail on the back, attached to a butt-flap that opened for bathroom business. 'Ok, that's a fail. Whatever, I've got two more, I'll be fine.' Ben bought another Mystery Box.

A few moments later he was looking at a flesh-colored hoodie sweatshirt. It had a giant print on the front of Nicolas Cage's smiling face... 'I'm dead!'

[Nicolas Cage Face Hoodie(Item, Common) x1 - It's a hoodie that keeps you both warm and Nicolas Caged]

'…What the hell? Who even thinks up items like this?!? His face is the size of my torso. You could see his crazy eyes from space!'

From hope to despair. Two useless items in a row. This momentum was not in Ben's favor. 'If I don't get something decent on the next draw…' With this kind of luck, he needed to reconsider his chance of dying in a few days. '...Damn it, it's not over until it's over!' Ben purchased another Mystery Box, his last one. It sat in his lap as he exhaled, staring at it while steadying his will. A short while later, his gaze became firm. 'Open!'

A light blue glow emerged from the box, but it was different from before—much brighter! A flash! Even with closed eyes, Ben perceived the difference. Light filled the bathroom making it look like the deep ocean!

When it subsided, Ben was holding a new item: an opaque orange pill bottle with a white cap.

'What is this?' There was a white label on the bottle with small words. He brought it up to look closer.

It read, "D*ck Pills."

…

Ben frowned. 'This bottle better not contain pill-sized tiny d*cks…'

After getting three absurd items in a row, Ben didn't have much faith left in the system. He viewed the description.

[Dick Dan Pill(Item, Epic) x1 - A medicinal cultivation pill to immediately and permanently increase penis size. Made by the Perverted Divine Alchemist. May have side effects]

…

When Ben read Epic, he stopped breathing. When he read the effect in the description's first sentence, he almost ate the bottle whole. When he read the second sentence, the alchemist's stupid name cooled him down. When he read the last sentence, he became wary.

'An epic item…that must be why the unboxing flash was so bright. It's amazing. Still, side effects…' When he asked the system about the side effects, it only said they can vary or there may be none at all. It didn't provide further details. Ben stared at the bottle for a long time. 'Should I take it?'

He wasn't sure. Side effects could mean death or worse—his little brother could fall off... Ben's mind entertained other possibilities too; What if it learned to talk and became sentient?

...

He shivered. Ben wasn't looking for a co-pilot... It was unclear what could happen but the Perverted Divine Alchemist didn't sound like a reputable seller he'd find on Amazon…and even if Ben knew how to contact him, it's not like Ben could obtain a penile warranty...

'Speaking of which, this is a cultivation pill from an alchemist…What does that mean? Does cultivation exist on Earth? Or is the system pulling stuff from other worlds?' No matter how he asked, the system didn't give him any answers.

'Whatever, I don't have the luxury of caring about stuff like that right now...' Ben looked at the bottle and sighed. Even though this won't help me much in pick up, it's no secret that some women are lifetime members at the big johnson amusement park... Right now, my little brother doesn't quite reach the minimum height requirement to ride that rollerhoster…

Ben's manhood was average size. If he could help his little brother to grow up, Ben would have nothing but pride… It might even help him make a more compelling case in bedroom negotiations…

'This could become my secret weapon tonight.' Ben had a date scheduled that night and he needed to raise his chances of closing with her. He clenched his jaw and made his decision. After opening the pill bottle, a white round pill rolled into his hand. A unique odor floated upward toward him.

'Smells like ass…' Ben held his nose. 'Aren't cultivation pills supposed to have a heavenly smell? What misleading advertising…' He shook his head. Still, after gazing at the pill a few more seconds, he opened his mouth and threw it in.

…

"Ack! Ahgh!" He was choking on it!

Ben rushed to the sink, stuck his head in, and poured water into his mouth to help get it down...

A few seconds later, he hunched over the sink, gasping. 'How do these bastards in cultivation novels always take their pills without water?!? They're simply misleading the public so they choke to death!'

All of a sudden, a wave of light-headedness interrupted Ben's thoughts. It was like a large part of his body's blood and energy circulated downwards to his backup brain…

The pill started to take effect.