Book 14: Chapter 22
Dragon Butt is Hard to Kiss
Following a shrieking yelp and my magnificent treatment, His Majesty healed to full power. I tossed aside the cloth strip covered in blood once we sat down on the steps of Liu Shan Men’s entrance. There wasn’t much tension between us despite me pricking him. After all, we’d been through life and death so many times already.
“You son of a Ming Feizhen! Use your eyes before you shoot things! How dare you mindlessly shoot projectiles?! How the hell do I resemble a thief?! If I’m a thief, who is running the country? Besides, even if I did resemble a thief, you can’t just start shooting people with that thing! It freaking hurts!”
Still mad, His Majesty tried to stab me with the silver shuttle I stuck in him. Hence, I took out the reserve Dragonstorm Chrysanthemum Shuttle, set it down and coughed, galvanising His Majesty to back off. It went without saying that the strategy would have a negative impact on my future and retirement. Therefore, I had to call upon my unequalled dragon butt kissing skills. I had been honing the skills under my shifu since I was a kid. Not a soul ever said I was poor at it; I was universally praised at it.
“Your Majesty,” I showed a look of pleasant surprise before finishing, “You seem to have grown taller.”
His Majesty merrily responded, “Shut up! Would my bottom be swollen if you didn’t stick a shuttle in there?!”
No, I was pretty sure he was quite happy to hear my praise if I didn’t end up with his saliva on my face.
I performed a divination with my fingers and then informed, “Your subject just performed a divination for you. Purple Star Astrology is in a crisis. Specifically, its bottom is at risk of injury, and sneak attacks will be hard to avoid. Perhaps there is an om-”
“Don’t act the fool with me! What does you mindlessly shooting projectiles have to do with heavenly will?!”
I offered up a thumb. “You are amazing, Your Majesty. You had your back to your subject, yet you were able to foresee the shot! You truly are a wise monarch!”
The happy Emperor gritted his teeth and exclaimed, “If it wasn’t for your contributions, I’d twist your head off your shoulders if I hear anymore rubbish from you!”
“Your Majesty, your delivery proves that you are a true monarch.”
By this point, His Majesty had calmed down significantly. “Whatever… I need you to promise me one thing.”
“Your subject is listening.”
“Stop boot licking so much, or my boots will be so shiny that the sun’s reflection will blind people.”
See? I completely appeased him.
“Your Majesty, what are you doing here?”
His Majesty cleared his throat and adjusted his posture. “Nothing. I had nothing to do, so I came out for a stroll to help with digestion.”
“Fiends’ Genesis’ issue has yet to be resolved, and the responses of the Champion White Princes remains ambiguous, so I can understand you not having anything to do. However, walking all the way here is quite the long walk. Are the flowers in the imperial palace gardens no longer bright?”
“Don’t play the fool when you already know the answer.”
“Your subject was worried it would be awkward if he guessed incorrectly.”
His Majesty pointed to his dragon bum. “More awkward than this?”
I shook my head. “Possible, but not easy.”
“Hmph, enough with the ignorant act. I’ve heard what you’ve been up the last two days. How many heads do you have to forge an imperial decree to free prisoners?”
“You even knew about that? You truly have extraordinary foresight…”
“Shut up. Shut up with that nonsense. The ointment has yet to eliminate the pain. Every time I hear those words, the pain flares up again.” His Majesty adjusted his lower body posture again. “What are you hoping to achieve by taking all those prisoners?”
I quietly explained my plan to His Majesty.
As he bobbed his head, His Majesty questioned, “So, you believe they can be trusted?”
“Trust is something you should avoid doing if you can help it. The Seven Champion White Princes could be trusted. How did they end up in your hands?”
“Do I need you to educate me on how to command my subordinates?”
“Your subject cannot hold a candle to you in that department, but you do not have your subject’s level of insight on commanding objects.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Don’t treat people as people. Use their strengths and avoid their weaknesses. Due to their affiliation in orthodox and unorthodox paths, demanding their loyalty is demanding the impossible. However, if they can be used, there is no harm using them on special occasions.”
“Don’t treat people as people,” repetitively mumbled His Majesty, nodding at the same time. “That’s not something I can follow. The imperial court will not accept such unlawful practices. In the pugilistic world, you have to mingle between black and white, but Yiren is too honest and always follows proper procedures, which makes her vulnerable to sly people. You make up for that shortcoming of hers. By the way, you said you were using them to fend off assassins?”
“Yes. They are all strong and come from a variety a of backgrounds, so they are tough to stop and dig up information on.”
In a deep voice, His Majesty queried, “Is Jiang Chen one of them?”
I furrowed my brows. “No matter how tough he is, it would take him more than a year to recover from damage Tianhu inflicted. It has only been days since his defeat, so it cannot be him.”
The fact that His Majesty exhaled a breath of relief showed just how dangerous His Majesty considered Gongsun Chu. His Majesty had some knowledge of Gongsun Chu’s backgrounds by this point. Considering what he was able to achieve in his regressed state, there was no denying Gongsun Chu’s threat. His Majesty likely couldn’t sleep in peace until he knew where Gongsun Chu was.
“Your Majesty, your subject needs to request a decree from you.”
His Majesty frowned. “Ming Feizhen, you are the disciple of an orthodox sect and a constable of Liu Shan Men. I can understand your passion for the pugilistic world, as well. Howbeit, the exams are right around the corner. You promised me you would rank. I boasted my new Hanlin Academician is erudite on many things. You better not embarrass me. At least, read for two days or something. Don’t get overconfident and then end up being your own undoing.”
I’d be going crazy had I not spoken to He Shi about it.
“Rest assured, Your Majesty. Your subject may not cut it as the winner, but he will definitely make it into the top three.”
His Majesty’s wrinkles smoothed out a tad.
“That’s what I like to hear. So, what request do you have? Who do you want to release this time?”
I shook my head frantically. “No, no. Your subject merely wants to take some weight off your shoulders in light of the mess in the capital. Your subject wants to have a chat with Northern Wondrous Warrior Manor.”
“You can locate Northern Wondrous Warrior Manor?! Tell me mor-, ow, my bum!”
Glossary
“… You had you back to your subject, yet you were able to foresee the shot!” – There’s an omitted joke in here. He actually said, “To see clearly” as opposed to “foresee”; however, I switched it because one of the characters in this version of “too see clearly” is “hole”, which he’s alluding to as the butt crack. He then switches to saying, “good eyes”, and “eyes” can be another way of referring to a butt crack. Therefore, he basically praised Emperor Yuansheng for having a nice butt crack twice.
This chapter as a whole makes a lot of jokes using specific Chinese characters that don’t carry over to English.