Chapter 645 - Burden On My Heart
Jian Guozhi finished the wine jar and stood up. The words of Huo Jin reverberated in his mind. He wavered a little but balanced himself. Eunuch Long had lit the lanterns earlier, so the room was well illuminated. However, he walked out of his chamber.
"Don't follow me," Jian Guozhi ordered Eunuch Long and walked ahead. Eunuch Long lowered his head. The pain that had buried deep inside his heart after Xinyue died again revived. Though he never discussed this to anyone, his nights had turned sleepless after her death. In everyone's eyes, he did the righteous thing– first, punished his own mother and then his first wife. But deep inside his heart, he still was not able to cope with their loss.
He reached outside the chamber where Xinyue (Zhilao Mi) used to reside. The hallway was calm since no one was allowed to come to this part of the Palace. He pushed the door and stepped in. He pushed the curtain away which was hanging on the second door and looked at her portrait. Two lanterns were placed at the two ends of the table on which a tiny cauldron was placed too.
"Your Highness, forgive me for not burning the incense stick," he heard a maidservant. "I will be quick, Your Highness," she said humbly.
"I will do that. You can leave," Jian Guozhi ordered her. The maidservant bowed and took backward steps to leave the chamber. Jian Guozhi picked an incense stick and lit it. Placing it in the cauldron filled with the remains of an incense stick, he lifted his head.
"You used to be so calm. I was so stressed when my mother was using me, then this smile of yours calmed me down," Jian Guozhi murmured. He had requested this portrait from the Royal Painter after her demise. "I even wanted to start a family with you, but you also betrayed me," Jian Guozhi mumbled.
He rubbed his eyes and again looked at her. "You ruined the lives of two men. Why did you care for Huo Jin when you never were going to return his feelings? And why did you make me fall in love with you, when you were going to betray me?" He questioned her. Though these questions he had asked her on the day, he caught her but her answers were not satisfactory to him.
Tears rolled over his cheeks. He cursed his fate because as the Eldest Prince he could never complain. When Huo Jin told him that he should have saved Xinyue, he felt guilty. As a Prince, he could not do that. He could never spread the wrong message among the people by supporting a person, who committed crimes even if he loved her.
He lowered his head as tears could not stop flowing. He felt a hand on his shoulder and he raised his head. "Don't blame yourself for this," Nianzu said and took a step forward. He tilted his head and found Jian Guozhi crying.
Nianzu walked ahead and picked another incense stick. He lit it and placed it in the cauldron.
Jian Guozhi had wiped his eyes and cheeks by then. He did not want to face his younger brother with a crying face. Nianzu stepped back and again stood by the side of Jian Guozhi.
"What is Brother Nianzu doing here?" Jian Guozhi asked him.
Nianzu found that the First Prince was a little drunk. "I was coming to meet you, but then saw you coming here. So, I followed the First Brother," Nianzu replied.
"I came to this room after two weeks. Huo Jin was right. I should have been punished for the crimes I committed. I became the reason for my mother's death, my first wife's death, and even the death of Yongzheng. With Yongzheng's death, I ruined the life of Princess Bai, who's now pregnant. I ruined many lives. This burden on my heart cannot be lifted," Jian Guozhi stated as he clutched the dress material of his chest.
Nianzu recalled that even his mother did wrong, but the truth was still unknown to many. He did not reveal it to anyone, because he was not braver like Jian Guozhi.
"First Brother, you are brave. You did what was right. You did not ruin anyone's life. You were also a pawn of your mother. Your first wife loved you, but she was more loyal to her father. Brother Yongzheng had his own conscience, but he did not use that. None of their deaths was your fault.
Brother Sheng forgave you for a reason. Else, everyone knows how much you two hated each other. Brother Sheng also knew that it was never your fault, but the fault of your mother. You are such a good elder brother. You saved the life of Brother Sheng when he was young," Nianzu reminded Jian Guozhi and caressed his arm.
"If there would be someone else at your place, then I don't think he would have been able to handle the pressure of being the First Prince. You are an extraordinary person. We brothers are proud to have you as our Elder Brother," Nianzu said and passed a tiny smile to him.
"Brother Nianzu is too kind with his words," Jian Guozhi said and stepped back. "I will ask for banishment from Brother Sheng. I shall take the punishment for my crimes," Jian Guozhi stated.
"Brother Jian is drunk, that's why he is speaking this way. Come, I will drop you till your chamber," Nianzu offered his help. He reminded Jian Guozhi of his present life which had turned much happier.
"Sister Xue is already fighting with her past self and if she would see her husband this way, then her health might deteriorate. Xinyue was your past while Sister Xue is your present," Nianzu proclaimed.
Jian Guozhi nodded his head. "Yes, I am drunk," he accepted. "I will be glad if Brother Nianzu drops me to my chamber," the First Prince requested. Nianzu stepped towards him and grabbed his arms. They both left for the First Prince's chamber.
Eunuch Long made his master lay on the bed and covered him from the blanket. He came out of the chamber and informed Nianzu of the same.
"Keep an eye on Brother Jian. In my opinion, stay in the chamber tonight. Brother Jian is not in a good state," Nianzu advised Eunuch Long, who acknowledged it.. Nianzu took his leave while Eunuch Long went inside the chamber.