Lucia

< — Ducal couple — > (15)

‘So what?’

Lucia expected him to answer that way.

Or say ‘What do you want me to do?’, ‘Wasn’t that the case from the beginning?’

She expected him to have a cold expression as he answered in an unfeeling manner. She worried frantically if she could return an answer even colder than what his reply would be.

Truthfully, she did not want to hurt him. She initially thought that was really how she felt but she realized that she truly did not want him to be in pain.

Lucia’s heart sank as she watched as a moment of inexplicable despair appeared on his face. She watched as the steel-like man expressed his pain in such a way.

He struggled to breath like a fatally wounded animal then he slowly closed his eyes and opened them.

Her heart desired to reach out to him and comfort him but her body was frozen at the sight of him.

She couldn’t wrap her mind around it as the hands holding her tightly trembled.

She couldn’t make herself move or say anything and it stayed like this for a short while.

He laughed bitterly then stopped and in that moment, it all disappeared like a mirage and his expression returned to its usual somewhat deadpan state.

The momentary glimpse of his emotional state before it disappeared like an illusion made her feel both confused and frustrated.

It made her feel as though she was trampling a soft cake.

“…Right. You already see the end.”

His voice was much calmer than it was cold.

‘He…’

Lucia felt like she had truly seen him for a short moment.

His always cold expression and tone was his armor. His coldness was not because he didn’t feel anything but to hide himself so he wasn’t exposed.

“Just now…” “What?” She wondered if she could have possibly dreamt for a while.

Even though she saw it, she couldn’t believe it.  Looking at his current expression, it made it seem like she was truly mistaken.

As she continued to silently stare at him, he opened his mouth and spoke.

“I see. It was finished from the start. This is what you meant when you asked me to send you a rose flower, right?”

When he mentioned rose flowers, Lucia’s blood ran cold and she returned to reality, taking a moment to scold herself.

She was currently at a significant crossroad with him. What had started as her grumbling had at some point become something that was too late to turn back from.

“Yes… you’re right.”

She didn’t want to cling to an invisible ending so she asked him to wake her up with a rose flower.

She felt that if he announced their end by sending a rose flower, even if her senses had flown away for a bit, the shock would get her back to her senses.

“If you receive a rose flower from me, what were you planning on doing?”

Thinking that he was perhaps sounding out her feelings, her heart cooled down.  She quickly took control of her slightly indecisive heart.

“That… I haven’t planned on doing anything. As you said, that would be the end. There is nothing after the end.”

“There…is nothing.”

He quietly repeated her words then spoke up.

“Is your condition unbreakable?”

“…Yes. I already promised you that I would not break it.”

Her love was a love where it didn’t matter to her if it got returned or rewarded.

Lucia never wished for that. Even in an estranged parent-child relationship, one sided love existed.

It was an impossible love between both of them.

Even if one initially starts out with self-satisfaction, someday, one start to wish for the other to answer, and the feelings for the one that does not answer slowly begins to turn to hate.

In this way, Lucia gradually hated him but she did not want to be eaten up by that hatred.

“…”

Hugo knew he was being excessively greedy. Her words were correct. He knew he couldn’t return her feelings but he was shamelessly greedy for her heart.

He found out more about her in this brief conversation than he found out in the few months that they had been married. He had been indifferent.

She did not show it but he had no right to be angry.

There was nothing about her physical condition in the report that Fabian, his very capable investigator, sent after researching for about a month or so.

The fact that she could not have a child was a secret that no one else knew but she had confessed it to him.

She already revealed a part of her heart to him a long time ago, but he threw it away. He brushed aside the hand that she had cautiously held out to him a long time ago.

“There will be no divorce.”

“…Okay.”

“You are my wife.”

“…Okay.”

“No matter how it ends, you cannot change our relationship.”

“Okay.”

Her short and submissive answers were irritating his feelings. He grabbed her shoulders and knocked her down. Her body lay on the sofa displaying no resistance as he towered above her.

“Do you know what your answers mean?”

His hand grabbed her chin and his fingers slowly caressed her soft lips.At his mellow touch that held sexual desire, her eyelashes shook.

He was saying that regardless of her feelings, if he wanted, she had to open her body to him.  Lucia avoided his gaze and replied while staring at the air.

“Yes.”

Hugo stared at her with his deep red eyes as his heart softly sank.

‘Excellent! You got yourself a perfect wife.’

He ridiculed himself. Just as he had hoped, he got a wife that was just like a doll.  She was his. She was his wife.

But what he really had was her shell. And from now on, he had to continue living with and embracing this doll-like wife.

She kept a shell of herself here and hid her true self somewhere he couldn’t reach.  But what was the problem? That what he had in his arms and what he could see was simply just a shell?

But it wasn’t about her heart. Even if he had her heart, what could he do with it?

He could hold onto her and keep her by his side for as long as he wanted without it. Just because he didn’t have her heart didn’t mean she was going anywhere.

Suddenly, Hugo realized something he couldn’t see before. He realized the reason for the anxiety and despair that had overcome him before.

Anxiety because she wasn’t greedy for anything he had and left no traces therefore she could leave without any hesitation. Despair because he couldn’t open her heart which had been shut tightly.

No, the real anxiety and despair that he felt were not from these things. It was anxiety and despair about his wavering self.

Before he even realized it, his heart was in her hands. The worst outcome he never wanted had crept up on him.

After he became the Duke, he had thoroughly followed one principle. Only give back as much as you receive.

That was why he rejected the love that women gave to him; he could not return it.

Love and Hatred.

He had gone through all the extreme emotions a human being could possess, that was how he learned how to damage other people.

Hatred towards the dead duke and love for his blood brother. Love and hatred seemingly have no relation but they crashed onto him as though they were one.

He barely had any will then and despaired at his powerlessness.  He was just a wild beast that lived as Hugh, not knowing anything.

His only worry then was how to kill his enemies and survive. From when he woke up in the morning till when he slept in the evening, it was only about his survival.

He met in brother and in the process became a human but he had to pay the price of learning emotions.

He loved his brother but because of that, he let his brother’s life be controlled by the former duke.

His hatred for the dead duke soon became hatred for the Taran blood flowing within him once he learnt of its secrets after the Duke died.

No entity should be able to sway him.

The feeling of not being able to do things of his own will was sickening. It was already enough for him to experience the breathlessness and fear of losing his brother.

His heart had to be unshakeable and his mind, firm.  He must not make anyone a special existence therefore her heart was not the problem.

The problem was his heart.

He had considered it simple curiosity and desire but his heart mocked him.

[You’ve fallen in love.]

‘No. That isn’t possible.’

He was swayed by her. He was starting to become afraid of losing her. He had reached such a pathetic state because of one woman.

He couldn’t understand it.  He couldn’t accept such a conclusion. He rose from the sofa with huge motions and began to walk back and forth.

Translator’s Corner:

For those that donated, you should already be refunded. Thank you so much!

< — Ducal couple — > (15)

TN: Here you go… the angst oml. And a BIG shout-out to my first ever patron, Paula!

Lucia looked at the somewhat restless man and slowly lifted her body, sitting up. It would seem that today she got to see sides of him she had never seen before.

His restlessness did not last long. He quickly stopped, looked at her and spoke.

“Get treated.”

And they were back to where they started. Lucia heaved a long sigh.

“Tell the doctor exactly what your symptoms are and receive a prescription. You have to know what the symptoms are and why you are this way, don’t you?”

“I could be pregnant. Is your decision that you don’t need a child changing?”

When he went silent, Lucia felt like screaming. ‘Just leave me alone! I would rather you were just interested in my body like you have been!’

“…there is no way a child will happen.”

“What you mean is… we will sleep separately?”

Lucia defiantly stared straight ahead, locking her eyes with his. He opened his mouth as though she had said something useless.

“Why do you think that’s only for making a child? You enjoy it too.”

“Don’t change the point. If I get treated and you keep coming into my bedroom, what would you do if I get pregnant? That’s what I want to know.”

“If so, it wouldn’t be my child.”

He spat out those words without hesitation and realized his mistake after the fact.

He said that because he already knew that pregnancy was impossible but as long as he concealed the truth, no matter who heard his words, they would seriously misunderstand it.

He regretted his words as her expression was already going terribly pale.

“Do you mean… you won’t admit that it is your child? Or… you will conclude that I was unfaithful?”

It was cruel. He ripped her heart to shred with his words.

Lucia once again recalled when she had overheard him and Sofia Lawrence’s conversation at the victory party.

At that time, his words were like a merciless blade as they cut into Sofia Lawrence.

Hugo knew that his words had hurt her a lot. That he had to apologize and comfort her.

However unlike his seemingly casual outward appearance, his inner self ran amok with confusion and anxiousness.

He couldn’t even understand his own feelings. He had gotten sick and tired of the situation itself.

Of her stubbornly persisting self and of himself that couldn’t tell the truth.

For the Hugo who disliked the complex situations and handled everything easily, this tangled situation and his feelings was overwhelmingly tiring.

“What I mean is…”

He began, stopped for a moment then continued, mumbling stiffly.

“For treatment…do as you please.”

He turned around and left the receiving room. In no time, Lucia was left alone in the quiet receiving room, collapsing into the sofa.

Silent tears began to stream down her face. That night, he did not come to her bedroom.

***

The meal was prepared for only one person. Seeing this sight, Lucia felt disheartened but she sat down without saying anything.

But still, the spacious dining room seemed even more spacious.

“My master recently has a lot of official business to attend to.”

Jerome, as though giving an excuse, explained why the Duke had again not accompanied her for dinner.

“I see. I am worried he will harm his health so I hope you will look over him even more.”

“Yes, your Grace.”

Lucia had been eating dinner alone for a week now and he did not visit her bedroom at all.

She had also not been able to see his face for a few days.

He told her he was very busy. That he would be working all day in his office and would just have his meals there.

But Lucia’s senses told her that he was avoiding her.

He had once been busy and stayed in the office till Lucia fell asleep but at that time, he came in at dawn, grabbed her and slept.

Now, a week had passed. When she looked back at it, it was only a week but if felt like ages.

He was busy with work and had no time to think about a woman. Nothing seemed to be wrong but this week could become a month and then a year.

‘My head hurts…’

She habitually chewed her food but she did not know how it tasted. After she finished eating, she visited to Anna for headache medicine and went into her bedroom.

When she opened her eyes in the morning, she felt a little better but when night came and she lay in bed, it was the beginning of torture as she could not sleep with all kinds of thoughts going through her head.

‘Why did you do that? You ruined it.’

She blamed herself.  ‘Why did you cause so much trouble?’

The reason she married him was for a peaceful and comfortable life. It was not for his affection.

From the start, she made a contract with him. She never had the shrewd thought of making the contract and denying it later.

‘He’s the bad one. It would have been better if we just remained a formal couple.’

She held some resentment towards him.

If he did not treat her so affectionately, her determination to live the rest of her life this way would never have been broken.

Now, his attitude cut into her like a knife and plunged her heart into hell.

‘You chose this. You promised to never regret this.’

She once again reproached herself. Why was she suddenly greedy when she gave up on having a child from the beginning?

She didn’t know the value of what she had and became greedy, losing it in the process.

Until recently everything was perfect. She ruined it.

No matter how much Lucia turned, she couldn’t sleep.

She sat up and curled her body into a ball, wrapping her arms around her knees. She couldn’t make her gaze fall on the bedroom door that never opened.

As time went on, her heart fell apart even more.

Translator’s Corner:

This one makes me sad. Some part of me is starting to wish she never fell for him in the first place but… gah! so conflicted. I love Hugo toooooooo. Such a misunderstood cutie pie.

Ok, I’m done.