I Might Be A Fake Cultivator

An Lin stared blankly at the voice transmission talisman in his hand.

Goddammit… She hung up again!

There was simply no way to communicate with Chang’e when she was suffering from one of her bouts of hipster disease.

Even with Su Qianyun as a translator, the lag in communication would make a normal conversation impossible.

“Su Qianyun, do you have any cures for Chang’e’s hipster disease?” An Lin Number Two asked.

A mellow voice sounded, “Hmm, Big Sister Chang’e would only become like this when she is troubled by something, or she has encountered an obstacle in her cultivation. Either that, or she’s simply feeling depressed and sensitive.

“The only ways to cure her would be to help her or divert her attention.”

An Lin nodded upon hearing this. Helping her to resolve her problems would be too difficult but distracting her would be a piece of cake! With his charisma and his velvet-smooth way with words, this would be a piece of cake.

He would just have to trigger an emotional response within her that overwhelmed her current emotional state.

Thus, he contacted her via voice transmission talisman again. However, she did not pick up this time.

An Lin: “…”

I’ve just thought of a cure, but you’re not picking up now?

An Lin refused to give up as he continued to call Chang’e.

Finally, after much effort, the voice transmission talisman was finally picked up from the other end.

“Are you an eternal wind? Can you not cease?” a disgruntled female voice said.

An Lin’s lips twitched, and he ignored Chang’e’s words before continuing, “Celestial Maiden, I’ve brought back something very interesting for you from the Sinister Spirit Beast Cesspool!”

“Sigh, my interest wanes like the warmth of spring…” The woman let loose a faint sigh.

An Lin finally began to understand what she was saying. Was this not enough? Wasn’t curiosity supposed to be the strongest desire among humans? Why was this not true in Chang’e’s case?

He gritted his teeth before continuing, “I heard there was someone calling you a stupid c*nt!”

A moment of silence ensued.

Chang’e: “Who is it?”

An Lin took a deep breath. “Stupid c*nt!”

Chang’e: “…”

An Lin: “…”

“Gulp…” An Lin swallowed involuntarily.

He was risking it all. Seeing as curiosity was unable to divert Chang’e’s attention, he would just have to count on anger to do the job! Regardless of how sad someone was, they would always want to bash anyone that insulted them!

For example, if someone posted on social media that they had incurred debt from the stock market or suffered a breakup, all you had to do was post a “hahahahahahaha” comment.

They would instantly recover from their grief before flaring up. Meanwhile, you would have to silently suffer from the flames of their wrath, but your intentions were good and that was the most important thing!

Besides, hospitals had clean, soft beds, cool air conditioning, and great wifi, so there really wasn’t much to be worried about.

Sure enough, an exquisitely beautiful woman in a white dress soon appeared before him with a frosty expression as she raised a delicate palm into the air.

An Lin’s pupils contracted. “Wait, I was just…”

Slap!

Boom!

A violent tremor ran through the ground and the power of the moon surged, creating a shockwave that uprooted all the osmanthus trees within a radius of five kilometers from them.

An Lin was slapped to the group, leaving a massive crater below him.

“Are you sick of living? Why can’t you speak like a proper human being?” Chang’e’s dress fluttered in the breeze, and her voice was like a bucket of ice-cold water to the head.

An Lin’s chest constricted upon hearing this. It was her that couldn’t talk like a proper human being!

He clasped a hand over his searing face as a nostalgic feeling welled up in his heart.

Dongfang Mengjie’s slaps were just as direct and brutal…

An Lin stood up with difficulty before extending a respectful bow. “I apologize, and I hope Celestial Maiden Chang’e can forgive me for my rudeness. I have come here today as I would like your help in refining a divine pill.”

Chang’e’s rage immediately faltered upon hearing the mention of a divine pill. “You want me to refine a divine pill for you? What type of pill do you want? And who is it for?”

An Lin’s heart danced with excitement. He could finally understand what Chang’e was saying!

“It’s for myself, and I don’t really mind what type of divine pill it is, as long as it’s cheap and easy to refine.”

He knew that just the ingredients for divine pills were extremely difficult to come by, and their prices fluctuated quite severely. He might even have to find the ingredients on his own.

There were even cultivators who took several decades or several centuries to gather the ingredients for a divine pill. An Lin did not have that long to wait, so of course he was going to aim for the simplest way possible.

Chang’e’s brows perked up slightly with a speechless expression. “Are young people nowadays eating divine pills for fun?”

An Lin replied with a smile, “It makes it easier for both of us.”

Chang’e hesitated momentarily before continuing, “There are three types of divine pills the ingredients for which I have pretty much already gathered. However, there is only one type among them that fits your requirements.”

“Alright, I’ll take that one!” An Lin snapped his fingers.

“Let me finish,” Chang’e interjected. “This divine pill is a little special.”

“Special in what way?” An Lin asked.

Chang’e waved a sleeve through the air, and a pill glowing with rainbow divine light appeared, striking all onlookers with a strong urge to consume it.

Immediately afterward, the divine light released by the pill materialized into a rainbow dress that danced in the wind in a beautiful, dreamy display.

“This…” An Lin’s mouth gaped open as he stared blankly at the rainbow dress in the sky.

Chang’e continued in her explanation, “This pill is called the Rainbow Divine Dao Pill. It can enhance the powers of the five elements as well as yin and yang within the consumer’s body. However, the residual power of the pill would result in a manifestation of this projection on your body for the next ten years…”

“A manifestation of this projection? You mean… That dress?!” An Lin’s eyes widened in shock as he stared at the rainbow dress dancing in the air.

A faint smile appeared on Chang’e’s face. “This pill contains vast power, but it’s not explosive or invasive, and it suits your divine body quite well. This is already a fantastic choice aside from this one minor complication.”

An Lin clasped a hand over his heart as he repressed the urge to vomit blood. “You call forced crossdressing a minor complication? And it’s for ten years as well! What kind of shameless man would wear such an extravagant dress? Do you think I’m a perverted freak?!”

Chang’e pursed her lips. “You said you love cultivating, but you won’t even crossdress for the sake of cultivation?”

An Lin’s lips twitched.

“Alright, alright…” A hint of satisfaction finally appeared on Chang’e’s face upon seeing An Lin’s conflicted and indignant expression. “There is actually a way around this.

“I can refine another immortal pill that will absorb the rainbow dress. But that’s going to cost you an extra million spirit stones.”

“That’s fine, anything is fine as long as I don’t have to crossdress!” An Lin heaved a sigh of relief upon hearing this. “It’s settled then. I’ll go with the Rainbow Divine Dao Pill!”

Chang’e nodded. “Alright, I’ve already gathered most of the ingredients, but there are still a few that would require some searching. I’ll take a deposit of a hundred million spirit stones.”

An Lin: “…”