Am I A God?

“Hello? Inspector Ho? I think you called the wrong number. I don’t offer the kind of special services you’re looking for,” Zhao Yao joked.

The inspector responded in a serious tone that was the complete opposite of his light jesting.

“I’m calling about something serious. A dangerous female apostle has appeared in Jiangmen City. The police are after her now. She has attacked several places where supercats are known to reside in. To date, more than ten apostles have been hurt here.”

“Oh? I see. Do you need my help?” Zhao Yao’s voice had turned low and grave as well.

“We’re good for now. I just wanted to warn you to be careful. I’ll send you her photo later. If you see her, do not strike. You must run and hide, then notify me, got it?”

“Are you for real? Me, hide?”

The inspector’s stern warning was a surprise. He knew very well that Zhao Yao could do a lot more than just protect himself, so why was he advising him to run? Who was this apostle? What was the extent of her powers?

“Trust me, she’s not to be messed with. Jiangmen isn’t her first rodeo. She wrecked havoc in another city previously, defeating more than 30 apostles. Prolific as she may be, we know nothing about her,” Inspector Ho replied.

“More than 30?” Zhao Yao gaped.

He had not even met that many apostles.

As the severity of the situation sunk in, his eyes narrowed, pupils contracting like a cat’s.

“To rake up this kind of damage, her abilities must be both powerful and unexpected,” he concluded.

Inspector Ho agreed. “Yes. This is why I’m giving you this call. Every officer is warning the apostles they’re in touch with about her.”

He paused for a moment before continuing.

“Zhao Yao, I know you’re powerful, but please, if you meet her, take the careful route and stay away. We have no idea what we’re up against.”

“Got it,” Zhao Yao nodded.

He knew that it was never smart to attack someone whose abilities you did not understand. This ignorance could get even the most experienced fighters killed.

After Inspector Ho hung up, he opened his WeChat group to see if anyone was discussing this mysterious apostle.

Sure enough, there was a bit of talk about her.

Omnipresent: Haven’t you guys heard? That female apostle has been attacking all kinds of catteries and cafes in Jiangmen City. It’s like she’s looking for something…

“What could she be looking for? Earthquake cat?” Zhao Yao pondered, brows furrowed.

He then shook his head, smiling weakly.

“Doesn’t matter. She’s not making an effort to be sneaky about what she’s doing. With the whole government on her trail, she’ll be caught soon.”

If her powers had great offensive capabilities, it was likely that she was sorely lacking in terms of defence. When the police come for her, she was not going to be able to escape.

Zhao Yao’s thoughts were interrupted by a message from Inspector Ho.

The apostle’s photo was here.

The girl in the image seemed to be in her early 20s. She had cascading, glossy black hair. To Zhao Yao, she looked like an ordinary university student, not some menace that was capable of attacking more than 30 of their fellow apostles.

After taking one look, he cast the photo and all thoughts of the girl aside. The people that were after him were all dead at this point. Not a soul knew that the earthquake cat was here. It was unlikely that she would target him next.

“Well, it’s none of my business. Back to work,” he announced.

He then settled into his usual seat and switched on his laptop, ready to finally start the workday.

Rice Cake had been pretty busy as well. Despite the post-it of shame on her neck, three more customers tried to touch her. She bit and kicked them away successfully.

She had no time to deal with their grimy hands. Her focus was entirely on her target, Dust Ball.

She had been observing the tiny cat for a while now. She watched as Dust Ball carefully inched towards the bathroom, pausing frequently to check if anyone was looking at her. When she was just a few meters from the entrance, she rushed forward with a burst of energy and dived right in.

She thought she was cautious, but she failed to notice that Rice Cake’s eyes had been on her the whole time.

“Suspicious,” Rice Cake thought, “But this works in my favor. I need her isolated when I trounce her.”

With a swish of her tail, she made her way to the bathroom as well.

Once Dust Ball entered the room, she looked around, making sure that every automatic litter box was vacated. All but one was empty. Roly Poly walked out of it, a look of satisfaction on his face. He nodded in Dust Ball’s direction when he spotted her.

“Ma’am, you’re using the toilet too?”

“Yes,” Dust Ball nodded.

“Okay. I’ll give you some privacy. See you,” Roly Poly said.

With great difficulty, he squeezed his fat bum through the cat flap and left.

Now that the bathroom was empty, Dust Ball could start on what she set out to do.

She climbed to the kitty toilet that was on the highest platform. She hesitated for a moment, her eyes glazing over the litter that she was standing on. She replayed the conversation she had with Zhao Yao this morning.

*

“Dusty Girl, it’s not that I don’t want to give you the goods,” Zhao Yao said, scratching the back of Dust Ball’s head, “You know who I am. You know what I stand for. I’ve made it so far in this world because I’m fair. I follow the rules.”

“What rules, you might ask?” he continued, pausing for dramatic effect, “If you do well, I reward you. If you make mistakes, I punish you. Last night, you made a mistake, so I burnt your stash. Do you have a problem with that?”

Dust Ball looked up at him with a look of suspicion, “Are you talking to me?”

“Of course I am. Dusty Girl, I’ve taken you under my wing, so it’s my responsibility to take care of you. I want to give you a second chance.”

He then planted a couple firm pats on her small shoulder.

“The poop accumulated in the extradimensional belly has to be removed. Do that well and I’ll give you the next batch of catmint.”

Dust Ball shot Zhao Yao a death glare.

“Did you just ask me to-,”

Before she could complete her sentence, Zhao Yao had clamped her mouth shut.

“Dusty, you’ve been with me for the shortest amount of time. You’ve never had to get your hands dirty. It’s time for you to play a part in this gang. I’ll leave you to think about what you should do. Come, let’s have breakfast together. Matcha and the rest are waiting.”

*

At first, Dust Ball could not even imagine conceding to Zhao Yao’s ludicrous request.

However, as the morning passed and brought on the afternoon, she found herself reconsidering. She was suffering from catmint withdrawal. She felt uncomfortable and restless and could not think about anything apart from the mint.

She knew that Zhao Yao had installed two automatic litter boxes in the extradimensional belly. They were for Ho Hao Cang’s five supercats, who have been putting them to good use.

The toilets were self-cleaning, but all the waste had to go somewhere. Zhao Yao used to deal with that, but he had grown unwilling to do the dirty work.

“Do I…do I really have to vomit poop out of my mouth for a bit of catmint? Is this who I have become?” Dust Ball asked, deflated.

She could not help but recall the unforgettably disturbing sight of Matcha bent over the toilet, hurling poop out of his mouth. She remembered how her view of the world crumbled into ashes when she saw it.

“Do I have to be that kind of cat too?”

While she hesitated, Rice Cake had managed to sneak into the bathroom. She stealthily got closer to Dust Ball so she could observe her.

“What’s up with this guy? Why isn’t she moving? Constipation?” Rice Cake wondered, “Should I strike now? Or do I wait until she’s mid-poop and at her most vulnerable?”

Before a choice could be made, she witnessed something that transformed her expression into one of fear and terror.

“This…this…this cat is vomiting poop?!” she thought, taking a few steps back.

The small commotion she created disrupted the silence in the bathroom.

Dust Ball looked up and turned towards her.